Saturday, October 31, 2009

Reflecting Back


This week I busied myself with tidiness.  It feels good to have time to take on the part of an anal retentive, go through files, clean off my desk, look at insurance documents, analyze my finances and just get things cleaned up and orderly.  Once the clutter has been removed and everything is somewhere that I can actually find it, my mind has nothing else to keep it clogged.  I find this refreshing.

On the other hand, it has been painful. I am now free to think about what is in my heart.  All these years I have been jumping from rock to rock, surviving. Getting ahead financially, making certain I invest, growing my portfolio so I can retire and have a free and clear roof over my head. It seems I have barely been able to keep up.  Run, run, run.  I'm late, I'm early, the bills are due, I have to go to that birthday party, the car needs new tires, crap another bill, it's the weekend I have to do the wash, it's Christmas again!  It seems I have never looked up really.  I've just continued on that wheel and everything has been in such a clutter, my heart hasn't been able to see its way out of the mess to know what it truly feels.  And on the occasions when it has peered out from under the veil of big business, it has buried its head again, because honestly, it didn't see a way out.

Well, last night as I sat on the couch enjoying the wind storm, I became a little sad.  I was reflecting back on some paperwork I had uncovered earlier in the day.  It was an interest assessment test I had taken back when I graduated from high school.  Sadly, I looked back on the path I have taken over the years due to what I saw as necessity.  Security in the financial arena is what makes me feel safe and calm.  So I took civil service jobs, sales jobs, management jobs, and an advertising executive job.

My assessment test told me I am a musician and an artist and a performer and lover of nature. Through and through, I want to create and love being outdoors to this day.  Funny, we never really change.

I have been successful at any job I have ever taken on; most of which I didn't care for much.  I wonder how successful I could be if I actually did something I enjoyed.  It's almost frightening to think about.  And sad because I feel I have lost so many years that could have been applied to what I love.  Think how my heart might have sung all these years!  Now middle-aged, I sit in a pool of regret to some degree.

But wait!  It is what I have done and what I have experienced that has made me who I am today.  I may not have gained the confidence and the drive that I currently possess if I hadn't developed the left side of my brain to the degree that I have.  I have created some balance!  So the first several years of my professional life have been dedicated to becoming aware of my thinking side and learning how to use it.  Now from here forward, it is smooth sailing, right?  I can dedicate myself to what my heart desires and not be so concerned about my nest egg. I can create what I want and have the business savvy to market it. At this age, it may be a stretch but lots of people start new adventures well into their senior years.  Why not? 

I find getting older gives me a certain sense of inner peace anyway.  I no longer care if anyone likes my outfit, my hair or what they are thinking of me as I walk across the room.  In fact, if I bring about negative comments from onlookers, I am humored and am glad I am interesting enough to take notice of.  I know the jokes on them, not me.  More often, I am able to just laugh along with them.

So from here forward, I'm taking this confidence and life experience and I am focusing it on a different path.  A path that my heart chooses, one that makes it sing and one that I know I was born to walk on.  To hell with convention, to hell with living the American dream (whatever that is...what IS it anyway?).  I'm going to live MY dream and love the life I am creating!

1 comment:

Mary said...

Simply beautiful