Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Living My Dream

Last night I had a dream I was back at work. My attitude and focus were entirely different than when I was actually working for a living.  I was dressed very casually, my hair was wet and in a towel, I wore no makeup and my focus was on nothing.  I was just existing, calm, comfortable, with no clock ticking away in my head and no emotional reactions.  I was just peaceful and aware.

I was at a convention center and was to attend a meeting in a conference room there. I wandered into one of the rooms where someone was giving a presentation.  Wondering if I was in the correct room, I found I was a bit disoriented but not in the least bit apprehensive or nervous.  I couldn't make up my mind which chair I wanted to sit in so I just decided I would go back out into the hallway.  At that point I saw a woman friend I wanted to visit with so we sat down at a small table out in the foyer and chatted for quite some time.  Everyone around us was stopping by and telling us that the introductory meetings were over and now we were supposed to progress up the stairs to the first training meeting of the day.  I didn't care.  I simply kept chatting with my friend.  She mentioned, a few times, that we should probably get going but then we would dive deeper into our conversation.  I ordered some sort of drink with an orange slice in it and simply lived in the moment, enjoying my friend and sipping my lovely little cocktail.  Finally, she decided she really had to get to class and got up and left me.  I figured I should probably go too.  I knew that this training class was almost over and that we had chatted through most of it.  Again, I didn't care and had no anxiety over it. 
I stopped off at the bathroom before my journey to the training room and while washing my hands I noticed my hair was still in a towel.  I took the towel off and my hair had dried in a funky style with a huge cowlick in the back.  What to do? Ho-hum. I spent several minutes surveying my hair in the mirror. 

At that point, the hallways became flooded with the sound of chatter and the door to the bathroom opened and many women came in.  Training class was over. I didn't care nor did I have any feelings about it one way or the other.  I was busy fixing my hair. 

While employed, in real life, I found myself wishing for days where I could just do whatever I wanted, dress casually at work and totally flake out on going to any of the meetings.  Unfortunately, my military, mind-controlled existence had me in a state of constant compliance, my nerves sending messages for yet more adrenalin bursts every time I even had a thought of stepping outside the boundary lines of corporate expectation.  I would dream of being in a state of pure consciousness,  reach for the place of bliss and hope that I could catch even just a moment of its sensation.  But my mind, though out of breath and gasping for spiritual oxygen, would just run faster and faster on the illusory  hamster wheel, its left-brain knowing full well that doom was just one step away if I faltered. 

Many months ago, though I only had dreamed of what bliss might feel like, I did what any unruly, worn out hamster might do; I leaped from my wheel into the unknown.  Today I awaken and I wander about the house with my hair in a towel, no makeup and casual clothes.  When I review the schedule of events for the day; the errands, the chores, the job hunt and the blogs, I mix them up a bit. There is no schedule. I walk the dog, stop to take in deep breaths of fresh, non-recycled air, feel the beauty of the fall leaves in my heart and just live in a state of bliss.  When I come home from the walk, I might pick up the rake and build a few piles of leaves on the grass. In fact, I found myself still raking long after sun down last night.  I do what I feel at any given moment.  I let my current experience dictate my actions. Yes, I have become what our modern world might consider to be a genuine flake.  Hence no blog when I am too busy examining my hair in the mirror or drinking a silly orange-laced cocktail and chatting with a friend. Or if I just have nothing to say.  Yesterday I had nothing to say.  I was just too busy existing and experiencing and being what many hamsters might think of as a flake.  Happy wheel running, ya'll! 

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