Honestly, it's rather depressing knowing that I can't go outside. On the other hand, I'm too tired, I'm not motivated and I just want to sit and read and snack on 'stuff' all day. What's wrong with that? Nothing really, except that I have no energy whatsoever. This is a good reason to sit on my butt. I can't go anywhere because I just don't have the energy. Heavy sigh....yawn...I think I'll wander into the bathroom and at least take a shower.
Holy cryin' out loud! Who's that? Another heavy sigh and the realization that it is me, myself and I that I see in the mirror looking back at moi. Art is a beautiful thing but becoming 'art' is not my goal in life. Guess what? The shower is going to happen quickly because nature calls and I don't mean the toilet. Time to get outside and attach myself to this dog for another drag around the park trails.
So I bundle up and grab the leash. The dog, by the way, is ecstatic. She doesn't care if it's -20 out there, she is a bowl full of enthusiasm. Blech. It's sloppy, wet and just plain ugly out. Here we go. Slop, slop, slop, out to the car. Of course there has to be a few mad rushes through puddles before my lovely creature decides she will jump onto the front seat. Whatever. My car has become the dog-mobile and I have accepted that fact after much kicking and screaming with each episode of irrepairable damage. Ugh. Where are we going? I end up on a drive through the country. Bless my canine's heart, she is thrilled to have some new scenery and of course the opportunity to howl at cows.
After some time we end up back where we started and drive to one of the lovely city parks for an afternoon of squirrel chasing. I utilize her sled-dog pulling abilities and mush her up a steep hill through the woods. She decides to stop and come back toward me, half way up, sending me spinning round the flimsy branch I caught just in time to keep myself from literally falling back and rolling down the hill. After much scrambling and laughter I encourage her to try again and up we go, to the top. My heart is in my throat and I release the leash, allowing her to be free while I stagger along wheezing. She embarks on an hour of mad dashes toward everything and anything that moves in her path, including many startled squirrels.
Soon I have forgotten how slovenly I was feeling earlier and I am jogging through the paths and gingerly tip-toeing through the tree roots. Still, I reminisce of being a semi-flat chested 18 year old, with no additional body fat, running at top speed through the trees. Alas, the jolt of my breasts, hitting bottom before they rise again in their attempt to meet the sky, brings me back to my current reality. Life in the woods is challenging when you're carting around the daily reminder of what you have sucked through your lips in the past 8 years. I feel as though there is a 30 pound slinky riding up and down my mid-section as I struggle to become remotely airborne. And did I mention my ankles and how they threaten to collapse each time my feet make contact with the earth? Upon my body's descent from what feels like a fall from the heavens the impact is excruciating. Why so many little, fragile bones in the feet and ankles? I will leave that for another day of musing.
When have I ever allowed anything to get in my way when I have set out to do something that I was determined to accomplish? I haven't. In fact, a couple of years back, before knowing I was severely anemic, I, bound and determined to see a mountain goat, up close and personal, hiked 5 miles straight up to the top of Alpine Lookout and 5 miles straight back down. Was it challenging? Sure. In fact I can remember gasping for breath to the point of being over wrought with emotion, feeling the surge of tears welling up inside of me. Knowing now that my body was not able to carry the oxygen that it needed, it all makes sense. But at the time, I was rather irritated and embarrassed that I was having a difficult time ascending the trail. But, I kept going. I was going to make it to the top of that mountain come hell or high water; and I did. Might I ad, my mountain goat was there to greet me and we had ourselves an up close and personal little chat.
You too, I can imagine, have brought to reality many of the dreams you've created. And without allowing anything to stop you. So why sit inside on a crappy day just because it is raining? The woods were lovely today. The scent of the earth and the crispness of the wind was exhilerating. The joy I felt watching my dog run maniacally about the trails was unmatched. And the rush of fresh air into my lungs accompanied by my pounding heart and the blood swimming through my body made me feel alive again; refreshed, enthused and happy to be on the planet. I also felt a sense of accomplishment. I jogged my body around and hopefully scared off some of that additional, complacent 'self' I have accumulated over the years.
So get up! Move around and stop letting the onset of winter bring you down. It IS cold out there. Corporate America was cold too. But you got up and did it every day. How did you survive it? You prepared. You dressed appropriately for the conditions and you didn't let the little stuff get in your way. You still have the strength to achieve your goals today. Being employed by an entity doesn't make you successful. But employing yourself and giving yourself the push you need to accomplish your own goals is what success is truly about. It's about feeling it; in the air, in the blood cursing through your veins and in your heart. Being alive can be magnificent. IF you choose to live.