Reflecting Back

This week I busied myself with tidiness.  It feels good to have time to take on the part of an anal retentive, go through files, clean off my desk, look at insurance documents, analyze my finances and just get things cleaned up and orderly.  Once the clutter has been removed and everything is somewhere that I can actually find it, my mind has nothing else to keep it clogged.  I find this refreshing.

On the other hand, it has been painful. I am now free to think about what is in my heart.  All these years I have been jumping from rock to rock, surviving. Getting ahead financially, making certain I invest, growing my portfolio so I can retire and have a free and clear roof over my head. It seems I have barely been able to keep up.  Run, run, run.  I'm late, I'm early, the bills are due, I have to go to that birthday party, the car needs new tires, crap another bill, it's the weekend I have to do the wash, it's Christmas again!  It seems I have never looked up really.  I've just continued on that wheel and everything has been in such a clutter, my heart hasn't been able to see its way out of the mess to know what it truly feels.  And on the occasions when it has peered out from under the veil of big business, it has buried its head again, because honestly, it didn't see a way out.

Well, last night as I sat on the couch enjoying the wind storm, I became a little sad.  I was reflecting back on some paperwork I had uncovered earlier in the day.  It was an interest assessment test I had taken back when I graduated from high school.  Sadly, I looked back on the path I have taken over the years due to what I saw as necessity.  Security in the financial arena is what makes me feel safe and calm.  So I took civil service jobs, sales jobs, management jobs, and an advertising executive job.

My assessment test told me I am a musician and an artist and a performer and lover of nature. Through and through, I want to create and love being outdoors to this day.  Funny, we never really change.

I have been successful at any job I have ever taken on; most of which I didn't care for much.  I wonder how successful I could be if I actually did something I enjoyed.  It's almost frightening to think about.  And sad because I feel I have lost so many years that could have been applied to what I love.  Think how my heart might have sung all these years!  Now middle-aged, I sit in a pool of regret to some degree.

But wait!  It is what I have done and what I have experienced that has made me who I am today.  I may not have gained the confidence and the drive that I currently possess if I hadn't developed the left side of my brain to the degree that I have.  I have created some balance!  So the first several years of my professional life have been dedicated to becoming aware of my thinking side and learning how to use it.  Now from here forward, it is smooth sailing, right?  I can dedicate myself to what my heart desires and not be so concerned about my nest egg. I can create what I want and have the business savvy to market it. At this age, it may be a stretch but lots of people start new adventures well into their senior years.  Why not? 

I find getting older gives me a certain sense of inner peace anyway.  I no longer care if anyone likes my outfit, my hair or what they are thinking of me as I walk across the room.  In fact, if I bring about negative comments from onlookers, I am humored and am glad I am interesting enough to take notice of.  I know the jokes on them, not me.  More often, I am able to just laugh along with them.

So from here forward, I'm taking this confidence and life experience and I am focusing it on a different path.  A path that my heart chooses, one that makes it sing and one that I know I was born to walk on.  To hell with convention, to hell with living the American dream (whatever that is...what IS it anyway?).  I'm going to live MY dream and love the life I am creating!

This Blog Dedicated To Health

Please read this entire article before you choose to get a vaccine.


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Reaching for the Top?

First I must add a disclaimer in view of my previous post.  Upon given the challenge, by a friend, to use the word 'porcupine' in my post, I developed a story around it.  With that said, please be aware that my general state of mind these days is not reflecting back on topics that might bring forth feelings of negativity.  If my mind does wander in that direction, it is up to me to reverse the way I feel about that particular event or at the very least find some positive personal outcome from the experience.

As a result of the experiences I have had, and the fact that I am unemployed, I am able find things swirling about my head on a daily basis that I think you might enjoy knowing about.  I am reaching higher, taking chances and daring to speak out where others may be offended.  Knowing that I am free to write and speak out as I choose, provides the feeling none less than that of being at the top of a mountain after a day's climb.  I hope soon I will catch my breath and be as accomplished as one who can yell and hear their voice echo back.

Exercise is good, whether it be in a vocation or a physical sense.  What you use daily, becomes conditioned and asks to be challenged yet further. My daily walks on trails and through parks have evolved into walks with intermittent short jogs; very short, I might ad.  I don't reach for a goal when I am out there or even when I think of being out there.  I just get out there.  What comes to me while I am in nature is the inspiration to jog a few steps.  After doing so, I realize that I have just moved  closer to my goal without the outcome in the forefront of my mind.  Movement in any direction is movement and carries with it, life.  Lack of movement equals death.  Death of the mind, death of the body, death of one's dream.  If you are moving, with your dream in mind, you cannot help but get closer to the end goal. Once out there you will find that it is not the end goal that brings forth the bliss.  It is being out there and feeling the movement of your goal come to life within you. 

Place your easy chair in front of the biggest window you can find.  Open the curtains. Take a good long look at the mountain out there and dream. If you must sit there for several days, so be it.  It's your dream.  Do what you want with it.  Without worrying about what gear to take or how many days you will be gone, just open the front door one day.  You don't have to go out there.  Just open the door.  Feel the cool air come in and brush against your face.  Feel the invitation from your dream.  Now go back and sit in your chair and think about how that kiss felt against your cheek.  Hopefully the temptation will be overwhelming.  And next time you get up and open that door, you will step outside and let the wind carry you away. 

Goals and dreams don't have to be difficult to obtain.  Why would we want them if it is painful to experience them?  The process of acquiring the end result should feel exciting, calming and thrilling all wrapped up in one delightful afternoon walk through the park with the mountain coming closer into view with each step.

Do You Ever Miss Your Old Manager?

Sometimes I reminisce about my days at said corporation.  Honestly, I made some wonderful friends there.  In fact, I found myself surrounded in a lot of like-minded people who were successful enough in their own minds that my confident, outspoken nature didn't intimidate them as it has many past co-workers. In fact, they liked it, were humored by it and loved my light-hearted satire.  Most often they joined in.  It was a wonderful crowd. We had some great times and kept each other going on the illusory corporate hamster wheel of fortune. 

At one point we named our unit 'One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest' and gave each of us a character in the movie.  We had a good time with that for a while. Now and then we'd all get together after a meeting and just get stoned drunk and have some laughs.  One night we all partied at the beach house owned by a gentleman in our unit.  We had a lovely dinner, drank wine, had a few shots of tequila and God knows what else.  We ended up flopped out on the floor in front of the fire, all 5 or 6 of us, out cold until morning.  It was like being back in high school.  Yes, we had some great times. 

Today, a few of the same folks still work at the same company.  I hear the going is really rough and the management has become utterly intolerable in their inhumane expectations of 'corporate compliance.'  Following the business model, to the T, is not the goal, it is the requirement; even if it is ridiculously unattainable. 

If I think of the moments I didn't like while at said company, I would say that being hammered to perform beyond human ability is one that stands out the most.  The second would be the chilly, sideways glances if you dared to challenge the program with yet possibly a better solution.  If I didn't know better, I would swear that upper management had the ability to do the reptilian shapeshift routine but rather than shift into lizards they would evolve into porcupines, quills standing at attention, threatening to puncture your body with a hundred painful barbs if you so much as breathed anything but the scent of greenbacks coming in the door.


Those are the memories I prefer to leave behind while keeping all the friendships I made in the forefront. Something good comes from every experience in life no matter how bad things may look at the time. 

Today as I was walking my dog through the park and watching her chase squirrels, I glanced up through the massive evergreens and felt my heart swim in warmth.  The birds were singing and the autumn leaves were swirling through the air as they cascaded to the ground.  I was truly at peace and content; so appreciative of the afternoons I am able to spend in the park, so thankful for my fun-loving dog and utterly pleased to be breathing the spicy fall air!  But honestly, what I am most thankful for these days, is that getting up in the morning is for the purpose of living MY life, not stuffing the pockets of some talking head CEO and all of his greedy VP pricks! 

Tune in tomorrow and I'll tell ya how I REALLY feel!

Living My Dream

Last night I had a dream I was back at work. My attitude and focus were entirely different than when I was actually working for a living.  I was dressed very casually, my hair was wet and in a towel, I wore no makeup and my focus was on nothing.  I was just existing, calm, comfortable, with no clock ticking away in my head and no emotional reactions.  I was just peaceful and aware.

I was at a convention center and was to attend a meeting in a conference room there. I wandered into one of the rooms where someone was giving a presentation.  Wondering if I was in the correct room, I found I was a bit disoriented but not in the least bit apprehensive or nervous.  I couldn't make up my mind which chair I wanted to sit in so I just decided I would go back out into the hallway.  At that point I saw a woman friend I wanted to visit with so we sat down at a small table out in the foyer and chatted for quite some time.  Everyone around us was stopping by and telling us that the introductory meetings were over and now we were supposed to progress up the stairs to the first training meeting of the day.  I didn't care.  I simply kept chatting with my friend.  She mentioned, a few times, that we should probably get going but then we would dive deeper into our conversation.  I ordered some sort of drink with an orange slice in it and simply lived in the moment, enjoying my friend and sipping my lovely little cocktail.  Finally, she decided she really had to get to class and got up and left me.  I figured I should probably go too.  I knew that this training class was almost over and that we had chatted through most of it.  Again, I didn't care and had no anxiety over it. 
 
I stopped off at the bathroom before my journey to the training room and while washing my hands I noticed my hair was still in a towel.  I took the towel off and my hair had dried in a funky style with a huge cowlick in the back.  What to do? Ho-hum. I spent several minutes surveying my hair in the mirror. 

At that point, the hallways became flooded with the sound of chatter and the door to the bathroom opened and many women came in.  Training class was over. I didn't care nor did I have any feelings about it one way or the other.  I was busy fixing my hair. 

While employed, in real life, I found myself wishing for days where I could just do whatever I wanted, dress casually at work and totally flake out on going to any of the meetings.  Unfortunately, my military, mind-controlled existence had me in a state of constant compliance, my nerves sending messages for yet more adrenalin bursts every time I even had a thought of stepping outside the boundary lines of corporate expectation.  I would dream of being in a state of pure consciousness,  reach for the place of bliss and hope that I could catch even just a moment of its sensation.  But my mind, though out of breath and gasping for spiritual oxygen, would just run faster and faster on the illusory  hamster wheel, its left-brain knowing full well that doom was just one step away if I faltered. 

Many months ago, though I only had dreamed of what bliss might feel like, I did what any unruly, worn out hamster might do; I leaped from my wheel into the unknown.  Today I awaken and I wander about the house with my hair in a towel, no makeup and casual clothes.  When I review the schedule of events for the day; the errands, the chores, the job hunt and the blogs, I mix them up a bit. There is no schedule. I walk the dog, stop to take in deep breaths of fresh, non-recycled air, feel the beauty of the fall leaves in my heart and just live in a state of bliss.  When I come home from the walk, I might pick up the rake and build a few piles of leaves on the grass. In fact, I found myself still raking long after sun down last night.  I do what I feel at any given moment.  I let my current experience dictate my actions. Yes, I have become what our modern world might consider to be a genuine flake.  Hence no blog when I am too busy examining my hair in the mirror or drinking a silly orange-laced cocktail and chatting with a friend. Or if I just have nothing to say.  Yesterday I had nothing to say.  I was just too busy existing and experiencing and being what many hamsters might think of as a flake.  Happy wheel running, ya'll! 

What Was Your Image In the Office?

I'm going to reinvent my image.

While working at said company, I believe my image was conservative, friendly, honest and driven with a twist of raving bitch that would hiss through clenched teeth when a co-worker flapped their gums one too many times in my direction. So overall, I think I was pretty approachable.

These days I am left to spend large amounts of time alone with only my dog to observe me.  And she really doesn't care what my image is.  But I think I do.  Or at the very least, I think I want to.  So today I am going to reinvent how the world sees me.

Rather than be the blond, blue-eyed, innocent faced, non-threatening gal that most people see me as,  I think I will evolve into the vixen.  Why not paint my eyes dark, color my lips to give the illusion of exaggerated fullness and peer out from under a veil of sinister illusion? I will then go apply to be a waitress at a tavern and speak to no one but my customers.  And only when I take their drink order.  I will be mysterious and deep, intriguing and aloof.  Everyone will stare at me, the women will hate me and the men will fantasize about me.  I will take on a strut and swing my hips to and fro, swishing past all and leaving a scent of musky perfume that leaves every male's head spinning.  The air will vibrate with the muted screams of sex and old women will hold their hands to their hearts, their mouths open, aghast.  Old men, will chuckle and tap their canes, and reminisce of their younger days.  I will be the subject of teenage boy's dares and the envy of pre-teen girls.  The talk of the town, I will become the harlot that wives fear. Whilst in a crowd,  I will lick my lips slowly and never turn my head.  My eyes will survey my surroundings, looking each individual up and down in detail.  Rooms will go silent when I come through the door and the crowds will step back and part to allow me past.


And I will live in a small pink house, with black roses climbing the fence. The shimmering, tattered curtains will blow from the windows every season of the year and the crows will perch upon my roof and holler.   I will aerate the lawn with my stillettos, throw seed to the birds while wearing a see-through nightgown and water the flower garden in the nude.  There will be days when I will emerge from the front door, my hair teased straight up, my bra on backward and my underwear swinging from my arm.  People will turn their heads and rush their children past.

The whole town will be famous for me.  Tourists will come from near and from far to get a glimpse.  The town's people will erect an admission booth at the top of my street and cars will come by in steady streams from all over the world.  The economy will thrive and all will be fed and all will be good. 

And I will be happy, inside my own existence with no rules, no questions, no rights and no wrongs, in a state of total acceptance and bliss.

If only we all could just be who we are.  The world might just adjust and everything might come into balance and harmony.  Including the atmosphere of the corporate office.

So Much For Pretending To Be A Princess

When I first became unemployed I thought it might be a good time to catch up on all the activities that I enjoyed.  I figured, in between searching for jobs, I could live in a bit of a fairy-tale land and do things like get my nails done, apply and re-apply my make-up, bake cookies and overall just spend an hour or so a day pretending to be a princess.

What I have found is that I have busied myself with catching up with the organization of my finances, getting all the papers on my desk put into some sort of reasonable order and other tasks about home that have been put off because I was just 'too busy.' Additionally, it has given me valuable time to assist my aging parents. I could ad to the list but I think you get the picture.  I have been very busy.

With that said, I have discovered that it does not matter whether you are working for an employer or not, your personality is the same.  If you are prone to work diligently, you are prone to work diligently, no matter what task you take on and no matter if you work for yourself or for an employer or you are at home with time off. Between helping family and gluing all the pieces together that have fallen apart while I was employed, my days are full.

What I find interesting is not so much how I see my day unfolding but how other people see me. Oddly, I am receiving all kinds of random phone calls. Everyone from friends, to old clients wanting me to 'do something' for them. Apparently, it is assumed that I am sitting on my butt in front of the boob tube eating bon bons. Certainly these people aren't peering in my windows and if they were, they would see that bon bons are not on the menu and the T.V. is non-functional.

Curiously, they are all calling me from their vehicles while driving down the road. I too drive down the road and have answered their calls while doing so. But apparently, they visualize me submerged in a fragrant bubble bath with my pool boy at my side. Better yet, sitting erect at my desk, pencil in hand, awaiting their call with enthusiasm.

Further, these poor souls are not only reaching out to me in what appears to be desperation, it is apparent they have some considerable loss of cognitive ability.  Many of the people calling me are employed.  Assuming that most business owners hire people because they find them to be intelligent and capable, I am stumped as to why I am receiving these calls. They claim to not be able to solve the simplest of equations. The list of requests goes as follows:

1)Hi this is Jacob (name changed to protect the stupid) I need you to call me back and tell me the right 800 number to call for the extension of my unemployment benefits.  My thoughts?  I suppose it is the same number you called to get them in the first place.  Why do you think I would have any greater access to information than you do? 

2)I don't know what form to get from abc corporation so that I can do xyz!  Guess what?  Neither do I!  Why don't you dial their number instead of mine and ask them!  Get the information from them instead of whining at me in hopes I will do it for you! 

And last but not least, as I am driving down the road in the middle of an hour and a half commute to an appointment, I get this call from a friend who owns their own successful business and travels internationally on a regular basis:

3)Please help me.  I do not understand. (Because I don't want to right now) I am making reservations to fly to L.A. and it says $49 flight one way.  I do not know if I should buy one way or get a round trip.  Will you do it for me?
My response:  I am driving down the road.
Their response: I am driving on the freeway. I do not have time. You do it for me. I don't understand. 

I don't understand either! How the hell am I supposed to know if you are going down there to stay or returning home after your visit?  Additionally, do the math! What makes the most logical sense given your set up circumstances? 

See?  Loss of cognitive ability!

Now I'm sorry but since when am I anyone's personal travel agent, let alone their secretary?  Call someone else who does this for a living or at least someone who is sitting in front of their computer!  I'm in the frickin' car! Further, I fly twice per year.  You fly 5 or more times per year.  Who's advice would YOU take?

Look people.  I am unemployed, not volunteering for those too lazy and suddenly too stupid to handle their own lives. If I wanted to counsel people with lobotamies all day, I would work in a nut house. And if I wanted to be someone's personal assistant, I would apply to be one!

Right now, I want to be the princess or at the very least get the benefit of being unemployed which means not taking orders all day from stupid people. As far as I can tell, you are all capable of handling your own crap so stop mistaking my Juicy Couture handbag for a feces catcher. My unemployed calendar is entirely too full for me to follow the likes of your ass around all day, handling all of the shit you don't want to deal with.